Life, Fiber, Books and All











{March 2, 2008}   “Depression Hurts, you don’t have too…..”

Yah right!

Meds help, I know that for a fact, but they can also hurt you. And the dumb TV add with that line, well I’ve either taken those drugs, or am currently on them.

Depression does hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally! There are different stages and levels of depression. Its a wide spread condition that EVERYONE suffers from, to some extent.

Therapy can help people to deal with there depression, or face whaetevr is depressing them so that it no longer depresses them. Or therapy can help a person in general with themselves and depression or other conditions.

Drugs can help, in different ways. But they can also make things worse. I know. Some of those damn drugs put me into a basically emotional and psychological coma. Not nice at all!

The FDA tests drugs, or hires people to test them. But the people in the FDA are basically controlled by the drug companies. The start by working in a drug companey and because of that experieince they are ideal to be hired by the FDA, or the other way around. But however yopu slice it they are controlled by the drug companies. And even though there are warnings cited in commercials, ad’s and by the doc’s you need to be careful. Some doc’s are out there for thmselves, or for the money or even the drug companey. They aren’t with you 24/7, and they cannot read your mind. We all hold things back, things we don’t tell the doc’s or other people. So be careful.

Drugs can be very good. I know, the ones I’m on help keep me functioning. They don’t stop me from feeling depressed, and even from having major depressed epsiodes. But they help me deal with the depression and anxiety. They also slow down the progression of the depression and anxiety. Not stop it, but slow it down so that I notice it and can start to combat it. Unfortunatly soemtimes depression just happens. Like now.

I didn’t notice I was becoming depression until I suddenly realized that things aren’t really making me happy, I’m not really enjoying things. I need to snuggle cats and have people tell me they like me to feel better. I’m always tired and usually hungry. But I don’t have enough energy to actually make anything. So ice cream, chocolate truffles I made a while ago, frozen food, bagel’s, toast and cereal are basically stables of my diet. Not very healthy, but reality.

Anyway, mini rant over!

I interveiwed for my first job. Or rather I interveiwed for my first job in a chain store or retail store. At Target which opens on March 8-9th this year. So, that was Friday and I can expect to hear back from them if they hired me on Monday or Tuesday.

I was excited, it would be a job, a way to make money. Hopefully gain experience and have SOMETHING to put onto an application. I’m 21 for goodness sakes, people don’t like that I’ve never worked. Most people look down on me as lazy, stupid or spoiled. Wehn I’m none of the above, they don’t know anything about me. But they all judge me.

I live in the country! There are no stores in walking distance. And when I was younger I couldn’t drive. When I was old enough to do drivers ed I was busy doing dance and art lessons, and doing school. Then I got sick and dropped out of school because that school…… Moving on. I’ve only had a liscense for a year, I still battle my illness (which is mostly severe depression manifested in physical ways, or at least thats what I beleive the good therapist beleives) AND go to school full time. And work at my school work, I do not want to just glide by, I want to do very well or excelle at what I learn and do!

I just don’t undertsand why people beleive that they have the right to judge me when they know nothing about me, my history or anything!

Anyway, I have finished knitting a berat (hat) for my Mum, which she never thanked me for. Only complained and nit picked about. When I ge tthe guts to call her on it she claims that she doesn’t do that, and that she hurts alot and I need to do everything she wants. (She was in a small car accident) Yes, in different words. But those are the basical and persistant ideas.

Now “A Loose Knit Group” is doing socks for the month of March. Which is new, excit8ng and daunting. But I had never knit a hat or a pair of gloves (fingerless) before. So I’m sure I can do it. I just need to get enough time. A good and simple pattern. And of course find good yarn- preferably homespun.

The two projects on the needles are bags. One is going to be a felted bag. I just want to knit some pockets and sew them on before the bag is felted, and knit the handles for the felting.

The other bag is completely my own pattern. Not felted and ratehr a mish-mash. And s far I’ve probubly spent around 65-75 US dollars on it. Which is alot of money, and soemthing I never meant to do.

So I got out of a class early and had about 4 hours to kill, so I went to Barns and Nobles to find a good knit pattern in a book to buy, then I’d go next door to Micheals and buy some yarn and a pair of needles.

Of course I didn’t get any book as I couldn’t find any patterns I liked. And I didn’t look at the books I knew my Mum had. So I just decided to make up the pattern as I went along.

You know, buy some yarn and knit it like it wants to be knitted.

Of course I had gotten the idea that I wanted trim from on of the patterns in one of the many books. So I went and found cool trims, choose one and decided to go off that.

Its all blue, with a light blue ribbon as a base and lots of round colorful blue sequins handing off it. So I choose 4 different yarns that matched colors in the trim. A pair of needles along with a cable needle (I knew I would knit the bottom band first, and I wanted to have a cable on the bottom) and several strands of beads that also went with the trim.

I also applied through a computer system at Target during that time. And still had over an hour to kill before class started. But enough time to start the base band.

I btought everything with me to the class room (its empty the hour before my class and I’d rather sit in a heated builing then in a cold car), layed it out on the artists bench I was siting on and sketched what I wanted to bag to look like. And if I had a scanner I would scan in the color sketch I did at home. But alas, no scanner!

On alother note, I left early for class on Wensday, it was snowing and we had had a late start. However I misread the clock so I was an 2 hours early. So I went back to Barns and Nobles and did what I wish I had done to start with. Just bought a book. Much less expensive then purchasing loads of stuff.

I got Intertwines by Lexi Boeger. Which was really good. Although I think I would have enjoyed Pluckyfluff Handspun Revolution more. Howeever Barnes and Nobles had three spinning books, counting Intertwined. One was Teach Yourself Visually to Handspin, which I had alreayd purchased from them, and a book about high whorl drop spindle spinning.

I guess what I really want are books which will show and each me different ways  to spin and give me some history and tips and tricks. I’m not a huge fan of books with patterns, as I rarely follow patterns. And even when I do follow patterns I don’t, I change them. I prefer to make soemthing up as I go along. Have a basic idea in mind, know what I wanr to happen. But not follow any set rules or guidelines.

Anyway, the book is very good. I love how she does her patterns. Basicallt a sketch and then by feel and by yarn.

The techniques were interesting, but I’d already read about them elsewhere on the internet. Not that its not nice to be able to quickly find them instead of rememebr them. And have better pics. I just would have liked soemthing different.

However what I really loved, and what made the book worth getting (at least to me) was the “Nozzlers” Page 52. Chapter 3. Free the Pattern!: The Yarn made me do it. And I have been so itching to make a nozzler.

Now, you have to understand that up until this point I’ve thought them to be ugly, stupid and expenisive. However the story to go with them, or the explination is highly enteraining, well written, and defintily has me hooked. Tehy seem so fun, creative and different.

And yes, I would tell you wouldn’t buy the book. And frankly I’m not in the mood to synthesize a wonderful indea into a few terse sentences.

I wish I was at the wheel doing this right now! But I don’t really have time! Time, soemthing I lack so much of. Anyway, on the wheel is some green wool I purchased from Spa, knit and spin weekened in Freeport. Its alright. A wondeful green and has plenty ofbody. However I prefer softer longer fibers. So why did I get the fiber. It was the correct price, $2 an ounce. And I had $18 left. I do have to admite that I got 4oz f this fiber, and there really waas alot of it. I never cease to be amazed how much fiber 1 oz can be.

It was great seeing all kinds of fiber people. But I do have to say, every single stand I went into did one of two things. (or the owners of the stand). They ignored me since I am abviously a college kid, I’m not there with a parent so I obviously don’t have any money to buy fiber, or any real interest in fiber. Do you haev any idea hot hard it is to get someones attention when they are deliberatly ignoring you. Even when you are the only person in the stand and they are looking right at you! Incredibly hard!

And if they weren’t doing that they were following me around very closly (I stepped on one person, although I don;t know if I did it on purpose or not), constantly talk down to me (yes down), repeat themsles repeatedly and treat me as if I am going to shop lift that pound of fiber infront of the cash register.

Needless to say it wasn;’t a very pleaset expierience. Althought  I will say that Spunky Eclectic (Amy) was the excetion. She smiles and said “Hi” when I walked past, she was very nice. And I would have loved to have explroed her stand and purchased fiber. But I know I can go down to her store anytime (driving distance baby!). I really go to the fiber fairs to find new things, good prices (fiber can be damn expensive!), and all that jazz. I know one time I found the Jacquace acid dyes that I use and love. This time I got almost a pound of nice (clean, shiny and untangled and un greasy) mohair locks. Which I cannot wait to spin into a Nozzler! (Although when I purchased them I hadn’t even gotten the book yet, and not all will go into the Nozzler!)

I have finally made an appointment for a hair cut on Tuesday. Its been almsot a year since my last one. And, much to my Mum’s horror (No I’m not telling her before hand!) I think I’m going to get them to dye a few of my curls green! Think deep emerald green.

This is what my hair looked like after my hair cut. All light blond and curly! (this is taken from the udnerside of my hair out!

hair-5.jpg

And this is the last fiber I spun before I started onteh green. It was comercially dyed merino roving which I 2x blended into batts. Then tore off stips and rolled into rologs. And I spun it woollen (I think. Or basically by pulling back with the rolog so losts of air was trapped and no shin) I plied to two singles. (which I had meant to spin from dark to light, but messed up and spun medium, light and then dark). Its came out alright and is dry and sitting on the rack waiting to be reskeined.

comercial-merino-blended.jpg Or you could say meant to spin from redish to blueish.

Anyway. I have finished reading chapter 4 of Legal research and materials. I have several online things I need to do with it, and I hope to actually finish the asignment and test before the due date of this Saterday instead of Saterday night at 11pm.

 Ah well. A batehr and blast of everything and nothing!

Just remember, depression hurts, and you can’t stop that. But you can make it hurt less, or even go away. It just takes alot of work!

Luck and love!

Guin

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