Life, Fiber, Books and All











{October 4, 2007}   If I ran the Universe…..

Life would be totally different.

I would never feel the need to hit the snooze alarm, or just close my eyes for a bit. Camera’s would never run out of juice, and batteries would always work!

Curly hair would never require copious amounts of foul language and work to look semi-presentable. And phones would never ring at the worst possible moment. Telemarketers would be outlawed, hunted down and implanted with a chip that made them phobically afraid of phones. Particularly the ones who try and sell you porn.

 I kid you not! I answered the phone yesterday to the little voice asking for my Mrs. Mum. So I think it’s a student calling for my Mum. Maybe she  needs help, soemthings wrong, she’s broken her musical instrument. I don’t know. But if something was wrong I wanted to at least attempt to help. No, instead its someone trying to sell us porn. I kid you not. PORN!

 So, Telemarketers would be shot at the crack of dawn for attempting to sell porn!

No one would ever be in a bad situation. Everyone would be safe. There would be no abusive husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, siblings, uncles, aunts, grandparents or anything else! And I would be able to keep everyone safe!

Cats would always use the litter box! They would ALWAYS use the litterbox! THEY WOULD ALWAYS USE THE LITTERBOX!!!!!!!

 I would not wake up at 2am from a sound sleep with such a painful back that I cannot think straight. And I would manage to throw up into something reasonable at 2:07am. A bucket, a garbagecan, a sink, tub, toilet, bowl…. ANYTHING! I would never throw up all over the floor attempting to get to anything reasonable to puke into!

There would be no reason to strudy for tests. I would already know everything I needed to know. Just a few reveiws and off to the test.

 Teachers would write tests t oeb taken for knowledge, they would not write tests to torment you! If I ran the universe it would be illegal for teachers to sit down with the textbook and write ALL the questions from the smallest most insignificant bites of information. They would actually teach in the class, not talk about being a drunk and a prostitute hireer, hirering prostetutes. Whatever! However you say it they would actually teach a class.

If I ran the universe teachers, professors would know what they were teaching. They would not litterally have the directions directly infront of them (and us) and try and confuse us with the wrong directions, the wrong lab experiments. Teachers would also know how to use the equipment that they are supposed to be teaching US how to use!

Tests would be limited to 45 minutes tops.

And I would remember to study EVERYTHING! Not just most things, but everything!

There would be a pause button for life so I could pause life and study undisturbed. Hell! For that matter give mea time turner! That would be so useful!

Dogs would not snore in your ear!

I would not feel the need to contemplate cheating! I haven’t cheated since a spelling test in grade school. Frankly I haven’t ever needed to study for any test but a spelling test. (I admit it! I cannot spell worth my life!)

I would not have to worry about forgeting a complexe chemical formula that I will never need to know after this. And essays will be short simple questions that require critical thinking ratehr than spitting out word for word a lecture.

I would have a photographic memory!

People would not be absurd! And idiots would neither be allowed to live wit hthe rest of the population or be allowed to reproduce! Survival of the fitest damn it! Not survival of the mass produced! (why do idiots always seem to come from large families and produce large families?)

I would have time to spin. I would be able to spin and spin and spin. On a ncie wheel. Not one that has decided it doesn’t want to work after the bobbin in 1/4th full. And people would return your emails! Even if its to say that a used spinning wheel has been sold.

And it would be illegal for a bug or bacteria to make you sick the day before, as well as the day of a huge test! One which cannot be made up!

UMA would have everyclass be twice weekly (at least the day classes) instead of 3 hours long.

And I would be able to spead to Augusta without worrying. I would not have to leave more than an hour early to get to class 5 minutes early.

And the chairs at school would not try and kill by back! They would be nice and just soft enough so that I don’t fidget to get confortable.

If I ran the universe life would be so much better!

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